Sad News

I love plans. I thrive on plans. I plan everything, every moment of my life is planned. I'm an anxious person, so I think things through with great care to be sure to avoid later guilt and regret.

For over a year now, Joshua and I have been planning for a dog. It has taken me time to get used to the idea. I'm not a dog person. I've never had a pet, so I don't miss the love one can offer. Joshua loves dogs. He has been telling me for years about the love and companionship a dog can offer, and I began to believe him. So we've been planning for a dog. We talked about the protection a dog can offer me in the new house and while I'm walking in the neighborhood. We talked about how much work a dog can be. Joshua was happy to carry that burden. We talked about what kind of dog we would get and what we could do with her while we were on vacation. We planned every detail, and I thought I was ready.

So little Winnie joined our family. And she was adorable, playful, and sweet. She was exactly what I thought a puppy would be. No surprises. One thing I didn't plan for was how I would feel about having a dog. Days one and two were fine. She was a great little puppy, but I felt like a stranger in my home. Joshua loved the dog immediately but could tell that I wasn't feeling the same. I tried. I really tried. I wanted the dog. I wanted to follow through on the plan. I wanted to give Joshua the dog. He loved her. I wanted so much to love her. But I couldn't. I didn't feel like myself. I felt lost. I have no idea how such a little puppy could transform my life in such a short amount of time, but I couldn't handle it.

Little Winnie went back to the breeder last night. She was adopted a by a new family today, a new family that will love her and appreciate her and give her a name like Easter Egg. And it's for the best. I know that now. This plan didn't work out, and a lesson was learned. It was a good lesson, but Joshua and I are crushed. Joshua isn't angry; he says he's just glad I tried, but he loved the dog already. It's heartbreaking. I'm upset because I let this plan go forward even though I knew I wasn't a dog person. I wanted to be. And now I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for Winnie, for Joshua, and for myself.